Children + Games = Recess, NOT Dating

(Published in NYC-based DYME magazine’s 6th Anniversary Issue, 2016!)

This is for all the women who have, are, or will endure the woes of modern dating because believe me; it isn’t changing…of course I’m referring to the character of most “men” these days. I truly believe the rising age of maturity is an epidemic. It’s forcing women to get married in their 40’s if they don’t want to get divorced by marrying a complete immature or commitment- phobic asshole in their 20’s. The insight here came from some of my closest girlfriends, my own recent meanderings with dating, and of course my overall receding tolerance of the matter in general. Enjoy!

So I’ve been told that reaching this level of frustration is usually when you meet “the one”, but with that said and with the exception of the consistent wonderful men in my life (most of whom are over the age of 35), I truly can’t stand the rest of you and could give two shits about that “person” right now. Where is the value for a woman of substance? Oh wait, that’s too scary right? You might get … attached! Hookups are wayyyyy more fulfilling.

I’ve yet to meet a man in his 30′s who is ready for an actual relationship and unwilling to play games. Men: Do you have to be 50 before commitment doesn’t freak you out? When did that change? Last time I checked, if you want something, you go after it. Period. I get it though, you’ve been hurt right? Well for that one girl who broke your heart and magically transformed you into a pumpkin-sized asshole at midnight, there are 100 guys just like you who have hurt girls like us, and so on and so on…the cycle never ends, but go ahead, be a victim. You and your lack of communication skills, phobia of monogamy, and emotional incapacity turn us into insecure, diffident women who don’t trust, doubt intention, and lower our standards. For who? For you. You like a girl? CALL HER. Don’t text. You want to be with her? BE WITH HER. Don’t want to be with her? TELL HER. Simple.

Let’s not start in on the list of men who’ve hurt me or what they’ve done, because that, my friends, would be a Lifetime movie in the making. Perhaps I’ll write a book one day. And yet, here I am, emotionally whole, healthy, and ready for a committed relationship with someone worthy of what I’d have to offer. Why? Because somehow I rode my unicorn here and believed that someone in this world would actually deserve me, deserve the effort I’ve put into myself in order to be what I think would make an invested and reciprocating partner. Now let’s be clear, I’m not one of those psychotic bitches who wants “commitment” so that I can have the title or a fancy new update for my 964 Facebook “friends”. Commitment for a real woman equals safety. Emotional safety…and here’s a tip, guys – that is the key to EVERYTHING. YOU. WANT. Be worth US. Be worth the good women. We’re “intimidating”? Man up. You’re “confused about your life path”? Here’s a clue – unless you’re George Clooney, your “life path” will probably involve another person, so why not learn how to prioritize now? You want to “take it slow and still see other people”, even after knowing one another or dating for a long time? Refer to the man of my second paragraph. I’m sure we’ve all gotten some of these, right ladies?

God help me for I must be insane, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result…still not good enough though, so I’m done trying. Either they’re uneducated, dense or unattractive. Good to know, thanks man-children of Orange and surrounding counties. It’s been real.